Total Perspective Vortex
What really happened to Trillian? Theories abound, but you can see what she's really been up to on this blog. If you're looking for white mice, depressed robots, or the occasional Pan Galactic Gargleblaster you might be better served here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/hitchhikers/guide/.
Don't just sit there angry and ranting, do something constructive.
In the words of Patti Smith (all hail Sister Patti): People have the power.
Contact your elected officials.
Don't be passive = get involved = make a difference.
Words are cool.
The English language is complex, stupid, illogical, confounding, brilliant, beautiful, and fascinating.
Every now and then a word presents itself that typifies all the maddeningly gorgeousness of language. They're the words that give you pause for thought. "Who came up with that word? That's an interesting string of letters." Their beauty doesn't lie in their definition (although that can play a role). It's also not in their onomatopoeia, though that, too, can play a role. Their beauty is in the way their letters combine - the visual poetry of words - and/or the way they sound when spoken. We talk a lot about music we like to hear and art we like to see, so let's all hail the unsung heroes of communication, poetry and life: Words.
Here are some I like. (Not because of their definition.)
Mamas, Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Smart Girls
(A Trillian de-composition, to the tune of Mamas, Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys)
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Smart girls ain’t easy to love and they’re above playing games
And they’d rather read a book than subvert themselves
Kafka, Beethoven and foreign movies
And each night alone with her cat
And they won’t understand her and she won’t die young
She’ll probably just wither away
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
A smart girl loves creaky old libraries and lively debates
Exploring the world and art and witty reparteé
Men who don’t know her won’t like her and those who do
Sometimes won’t know how to take her
She’s rarely wrong but in desperation will play dumb
Because men hate that she’s always right
Mama don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
Don’t let them do puzzles and read lots of books
Make ‘em be strippers and dancers and such
Mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to be smart girls
They’ll never find men and they’re always alone
Even though men claim they want brains
Life(?) of Trillian
Single/Zero
Wednesday, October 19, 2005 Trillian,
I’ve met some really great guys online. They’re out there, Trill. Among all the jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers, there are some really great guys.I started online dating around the same time you did. I met a lot of jerks but also a lot of nice guys. I kept trying and finally found Mr. Right. So you should keep trying, too. You’re just having really bad luck. Maybe your search criteria is too narrow. Or maybe Chicago is full of jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers. Is it really that bad? Maybe you should try to meet a great guy from somewhere else and move there.
CattyRemarkable
Thanks, Catty. I’m glad you’re having such great success. Good luck and happy future to you and Mr. Right. I’ve done the long distance relationship thing. Two words: Never again. Well. Never say never and all that. But. Still. I’m not exactly eager to willingly allow myself to pursue a man I can only see once or twice a month at best. I endured it for a long time because I was soooo in love and could endure anything for our future together. In the end I endured a lot of lonely time missing him and ended up with nothing more than a lifetime of lonely time missing him. I'm not exactly eager to get nothing but a broken heart and air miles out of another relationship.
But I will keep trying. I’m just licking my wounds (literally) and sitting back and letting the men approach me, sift through those date candidates and if there’s any honest potential maybe then I’ll try, try again.
The bigger issue you mentioned is my dating demograph. Is it really that bad? Well. It’s not good... I really hate to generalize and paint the entire male population of Chicagoland with an unflattering color of paint, but...
I have encountered a very high number of jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers. And so have a lot of other women I’ve met who are trying to meet men in Chicagoland. And a lot of men in Indiana who apparently believe they are essentially Chicagoans. It’s “so bad” that there’s an underground network of women behind the scenes on online dating sites who circulate the profiles of the jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers they’ve met online and dated to warn the rest of of women about the offending jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers. I assumed this happens everywhere, women looking out for each other and all that. But maybe not. Maybe Chicagoland really is “that bad” that us womenfolk have to band together and form an underground alliance to protect each other from the jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers roaming the online dating sites in our zip codes.
I was operating under the assumption jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers came with online dating territory no matter what the zip code. Maybe not. Maybe online dating is not entirely to blame. Maybe it really is a location issue. Two of my worst dates to date - Creepy Perfume Guy and Crash - were not met online but they were Chicagoans. Maybe the male population of Chicagoland is heavily saturated with jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers.
Oh. And, if we’re taking the online dating factor out of the equation and just looking at the datable pool of men in Chicago we’ll need to factor in the gay male population of Chicago and subtract a high number of men from the available hetero dating pool population.
Right. So. Subtract the gay men and jerks, liars, booty callers, married men, superficial idiots, geeks and losers from the Chicago dating pool and what do you get? Maybe a few elusive men. Guys, if you are not gay or a jerk, liar, booty caller, married, superficial idiot, geek and loser and you’re between the ages of 30 - 50 and looking for a meaningful, long term relationship or marriage, pack your bags and move to Chicago because I know a ton of really great women who would like to meet you. (yes, really, intelligent, employed, sane, funny and yes, pretty women in those age ranges. I look at these women and think, “Okay, if she can’t find a good guy or have decent dates there’s no hope for me. These women are great catches. Really. There’s nothing “wrong” with them except, maybe, their location.)
My definition of loser: One who is one, some or all of the following: a user, a physical or verbal abuser, an addict, a controller, a manipulator, arrogant, vain, lazy, unaware, violent, overly aggressive, disrespectful, rude, or unable to articulate anything about himself or the sort of person he wants to meet.
Wade through the email I get from men via online dating sites, eliminate men who fall in the above categories and that usually leaves about one man per week with any glimmer of hope for enough common ground to even bother meeting in person.
This is not me being picky about what I want in a man. You’re going to have to trust me on this issue. I am not being picky. I am being honest with myself and the men. They frequently put me in the position of having to be picky for them. There has to be some common ground between us, something about his traits and mine, a mutual agreement on what we’re looking for in dating and a potential relationship to even consider meeting in person. Based on their email and profile most of these men don’t want to date me. I am not what they say they’re looking for in a date or woman in general. And yet they send me email.
Guys, seriously, read my swutting profile. Read yours. Realize we’re not meant to be together before you email me. Yes. That age thing is still driving me nuts. But. There are other issues as well. Be aware of yourself. Read. You don’t even have to be perceptive. Just take what we post on our profiles as the truth. If we’re not what you say you want in a woman, or if you're not what we want, don’t email us. Move on to the next profile of a woman, find one who fits your criteria and who lists your traits as desirable and spend your time and dating energy on her.
This is supposed to be about cultivating a relationship. The great thing about online dating is being able to eliminate the incompatibles without having to date or even talk to them. Are men so desperate they’ll email any and every woman they see online no matter what she says she wants in a man and relationship?
I’ve been assuming it’s arrogance and ego which drive men to email a woman far out of their search criteria. I assumed these men are thinking the woman will be so impressed with him they’ll forget all about what they thought they wanted in a man and relationship just for a chance to meet this guy.
But maybe not. Maybe these are desperate men blindly emailing every woman they see online. Wow. Guys. I mean. Wow. I hope for your sake that’s not the case. Maybe you’re a jerk, liar, booty caller, married man, superficial idiot, geek and loser. If so, you might want to work on that/those issue(s) and maybe you won’t be so desperate.
Oh sure, I am a desperate woman. I admit this. I need a husband, badly. Now. My financial situation isn’t getting better, our society is still based on two incomes and I need the financial benefits of marriage and two incomes. Soon. Now. (One more time with feeling, this isn’t gold digging. He doesn’t have to be wealthy. He merely needs a job which enables him to contribute to the household finances.)
Okay. Not a great mindset for finding love and Mr. Right and all that. But. Remember. I’m no longer trying to find love and Mr. Right and all that. I had The Closest I’ll Get to Mr. Right, I’ve experienced real love. It didn’t work out for me. It made me an emotionally void mess of a human being. We’ve covered this ground. I’m not saying my situation is ideal or even good. But. I am very aware of who and how I am and I am very honest about it. I know what I need and I spell it out for men. And yet, still, I am barraged with email from men who a) do not fit any of the criteria I spell out on my profile, b) list criteria on their profiles which I do not possess, and c) are looking for something I clearly say I do not want.
Is it really that bad? Well. I’m not sure. Maybe it’s me. Maybe my perspective is so skewed I’m in no position to accurately observe and report. So you be the judge. The 50 First Date chart only covers what happens on an actual date. I haven’t said much about what goes on before I even get to an actual face to face meeting with a man. (heavy sigh) Maybe it’s me. Really. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I’m not giving great guys a chance. Maybe I’m losing out on some great dating opportunities.
Want to help me decide if I’m being too picky? I’ll present to you a guy who I would put in the discard pile because it appears to me we’re not meant for each other let alone meant to ever meet face to face. I’ll give you my profile information and exactly what he gives me in terms of information about himself. I put a lot of men in the discard pile. I’ll choose the one with the most possibility of overlooked potential. Yes. I’ll give you the best of the worst matches. I won’t use his actual screen name. You tell me if I should return his email/wink/smile
And so, I present to you,
Okay. This guy sent me a very, very long detailed email. He thinks we’re perfect for each other. I read the mail before I checked out his profile. His email of introduction told me how he’s been trying to find me for years, “even before my divorce I knew I wanted you.” Uh, okay...if I were picky I would have stopped reading and hit delete right there. Right? Apparently his marriage was bad and he was fantasizing about “me.” Which doesn’t warm me to the guy - he wasn’t even divorced and he was already thinking about who he “really” wanted. Okay. I haven’t been in a bad marriage, or any marriage, so maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge him on this point. Still. The whole fantasizing about me during his marriage thing is too swutting gross and evil for me. I feel like a homewrecker and I haven't even seen the guy's online dating profile years after his divorce. Why would he want to make me feel like The Other Woman in his failed marriage when he hasn't even met me? Maybe that's me being too picky...It's one thing to have an idea of the type of person with whom you want to share your life, a fantasy mate of sorts. It's another to be already sharing your life with one woman and fantasizing about sharing it with another.
He goes on to detail how funny and intelligent I seem and how he can’t stop looking at my beautiful smile and eyes. Hey, we’ve got a hot one, here! But then he spends the rest of the email telling me how much he hates sarcasm and cynicism and that physical beauty is very important in a healthy relationship.
Okay. You haven’t read my profile. But. I think we can all agree it’s safe to assume it’s a bit sarcastic with cynical undertones. But to give the guy benefit of the doubt in the perception area, I spell out the fact that I am sarcastic right there in my profile. "Sarcastic, sometimes dark sense of humor." Dude, you hate sarcasm and I state very clearly in my profile that I am sarcastic. Why would he not Next! me after discovering I’m sarcastic? Please, someone, I’m begging you, please explain this to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if he finds me attractive that’s great, lucky me. But, somehow I doubt a guy who can only find the most basic features of smile and eyes beautiful will be wowed by my less than attractive appearance. Maybe I’m wrong about this. But. I’m thinking if he found me attractive enough to have a “healthy relationship” he would have mentioned something other than my smile and eyes. Maybe not. Maybe he’s a smile and eyes guy. After all, he thinks his best feature is his butt.
Let’s talk about his criteria. He’s 44 and wants an 18 - 30-year-old woman. We can all connect the dots about what those numbers say about him. Hey, whatever, good luck with that. I'm not judging his cliche hot young babe with older man complex. But. Here’s the weird part. (at least to me, again, someone please explain this to me) I am not an 18 - 30-year-old woman. I am younger than him, but not in his desired age range. Since I am not in his desired age range why would he waste any time with me?
And, why would he risk offending me by contacting me when I am not in his desired age range? The message I get from this is: "I’m not having a lot of luck with the 18 - 30-year-olds right now and I saw your profile and you seem desperate so I could date you until I find an 18 - 30-year-old who wants to date me." Am I way off base with that assumption? Is it my sensitivity and lack of self esteem kicking in or would most other over 30 women feel “concerned” about dating and possibly ending up liking a guy who clearly states he wants an 18 - 30-year-old woman? The vision I get is one of us out on dates with him ogling every 18 - 30-year-old petite blonde he sees. Maybe that's me being insecure. But. The reason I'm insecure is because he swutting says he's interested in 18 - 30-year-old women! I believe him. I'm trusting him to be honest. And therefore I'm working on the assumption he wants an 18 - 30-year-old woman.
Right. Okay. Next. He’s a “cigar afficionado.” I state NO WAY on the smoking portion of my profile. Clear up the confusion for me, please. He smokes. I don’t. I state I do not want to date a smoker. So why would he contact me? Maybe he’s thinking he wants to quit and I’m so spectacular he’ll quit for me. Okay. Maybe. But he doesn’t drink alcohol. And states he does not want his partner to drink alcohol. I state that I drink alcohol. Is he assuming I’ll think he’s so great I’ll give up alcohol for him? Why would he assume that?
Next. He wants a woman who is blonde and between 5’0” and 5’7”. Sure, I have blonde highlights, but I am a brunette. I have photos posted which show me as a brunette. I list my height as 5’11”. I realize many men lie about their height. Add a few inches thinking no one will ever notice. Guys. We notice all your lies about “height.” Okay? Deal with what you’ve been given, accept it and move on with the rest of your life. So maybe guys assume since they lie about their height women do, too. Most of us do not. I am 4” taller than the tallest woman he wants to date. Why is he contacting me? Why Universe, why?
And let's just say he's open to the idea of a taller woman. Again: Why would he contact me?
I state that I live in Chicago. The site calculates we live 76 miles apart from each other. He says he works long hours, doesn’t like to travel, is a homebody and likes to relax at home. Okay, that’s cool. I totally understand. Sometimes I want to go home and go straight to bed. I get it. I really do. But what I don’t get is why he’d even consider looking at profiles of women who live more than 10 miles away from him. Profiles of women who state they like to travel to far away places. Profiles of women who state they do not have a car and prefer to meet men within the confines of the city limits. Help me understand. Is the assumption that he’s so fantastic I’ll be eager to schlep 76 miles to his beloved house in Indiana to “relax” and be a homebody with him? And more confusing to me: Why would he pursue a woman who states she loves to travel and lists several very far away places she wants to visit when he states that he’s seen all of the world he wants to see? Northwest Indiana is not a far away place for me. It is not on my list of places I want to visit.
What would make him think a guy like him and a girl like me are a perfect match for each other? What am I not understanding? He thinks we’re a great match. I think we’re two people whose paths should never cross. Me: Nonsmoking, travel loving, alcohol drinking, motorcycle fearing, tall, brunette sarcastic cat person. (okay, to be fair, he didn’t know I fear motorcycles) Him: Cigar smoking, travel hating, non alcohol drinking, Harley riding, petite blonde loving, sarcasm hating dog person. Seems obvious to me we’re not a match made anywhere other than Hell.
But before I hit the delete key I’m offering him up for review because he’s so darned convinced we’re perfect for each other that I feel like I must not understand something. I might be missing out on the dating opportunity of a lifetime by deleting him. You, Universe, you tell me what you think about the possibility of the two of us dating. Tell me what I don’t understand. Help me see what he sees. Explain to me why I should take the time to communicate with this guy or even go on a date with him. And yes, he is the best of the worst this week.
Some of his profile: (a few items deleted to protect his identity)
I am a: 44 yr old man
located in: ****, Indiana (50+ miles from me)
looking for: 18 to 30-year old woman
within 9999 miles of ******, Indiana (seriously, this homebody, travel hating guy states he's interested in women 9,999 miles of his beloved home)
relationships: Divorced
ethnicity: White / Caucasian
height: 6’ 1” (180.3 cms)
About me and who I'd like to date I’m looking for the right woman to have a family with. I want children with the right woman. She is 18 - 30 years old, slim, petite and preferably blond and blue eyed. She must love dogs.
My appearance
best feature: Butt
Interests
for fun: I work long hours so I like to relax at home. I’ve seen all of the world I want to see and do not like traveling. I am a homebody. For fun I like to play with my dogs. You must love dogs if you want to date me. You must also like motorcycles. I have a Harley and like to ride it.
favorite hot spots: I am a homebody. I don’t drink and I don’t like hot spots.
favorite things: My dogs. My Harley. My job. My house.
last read: DaVnici (sic) Code.
Lifestyle
exercise habits: Exercise 3-4 times per week
daily diet: Meat and potatoes
smoke: Cigar aficionado
drink: I don’t drink
job: Sales
for fun: I work long hours so I like to relax at home. I’ve seen all of the world I want to see and do not like traveling. I am a homebody. For fun I like to play with my dogs. You must love dogs if you want to date me. I do not want to raise someone elses (sic) children or deal with someone elses (sic) problems. If your (sic) divorced or have children I don’t want to date you. If you do not have children you should know I am open to the idea of a family and would like to have children. Thats (sic) why it’s good I’ve seen all I want to see in the world and I am happy to stay home all the time with my children. (His children? We don’t even have any yet and they’re already his children? There's no I in parenthood, buddy.)
income: $75,001 to $100,000
my place: Live with pets
have kids: None
want kids: Undecided (I know. He's undecided about having children but wants 2)
how many: 2
pets:
I have: Dogs
Background/Values
faith: Christian / Catholic
education: Bachelors degree
politics: Conservative
About My Date
hair: Blond
eyes: Blue, Green
height: 5’ 0” (173.0 cms) to 5’ 7” (211.0 cms)
body type: Slender
languages: English
ethnicity: White / Caucasian, Asian
faith: Christian
education: High school, Some college, Associates degree, Bachelors degree, Graduate degree, PhD / Post Doctoral
job: Any
income: Any
smoke: No Way, Occasionally, Daily
drink: I don’t drink alcohol
relationships: Never married (Oh sure, it's okay for him to be divorced but the woman he dates must not have any marital history. Okay. Maybe that's an instance of me being too picky. Does that double standard bother anyone other than me?)
have kids: No
want kids: Undecided
turn-ons: Long hair, Skinny dipping, Dancing, Boldness / Assertiveness, Candlelight
turn-offs: Boldness / Assertiveness, Dancing, Flirting, Public displays of affection, Sarcasm
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Thanks for all the hair (and other) advice.
Sooooooo, the deed is done.
I hate it. My friend hates it. HWNMNBS would hate it. (Not that his opinion of my current hair, or, well, current anything, should matter, just using it as a point of reference, a sort of control factor in the haircut experiment.)
My sister loves it. People at work love it. The guy at 7-11 loves it.
I suspect The Truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Everyone, including me, gives the color two enthusiastic thumbs up.
She really outdid herself in the highlight to lowlight ratio this time. Not too blonde, not too dark, excellent midtones and exceptional depth and shine. No one could ask for more or better in the color department.
The love/hate debate is surrounding the style and cut.
Why I Hate My New Haircut by Tricia McMillian
I hate my new haircut because it looks like a Friends/Rachel from 1995.
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a fan of Friends.
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a Jennifer Anniston wannabe.
I have no feelings, sexual or otherwise, toward Brad Pitt.
I do not now, nor have I ever, longed to sport a 10 years out of date hair style.
The irony here being that the whole point of this new haircut thing was to quickly and relatively inexpensively freshen up my look. Not make me look 10 years past a use-by date on a hairstyle which was a stupid quickly expired trend in the first place.
I feel like everyone’s pointing at my hair and laughing. “Great color, but someone should clue her in on the hair style. Wearing a Rachel isn’t going to bring the show back into production. The cast moved on, so should she. Sheesh. Friends fans. Pathetic.”
